Fine, I admit. I'm getting homesick.

I think this feeling has been building up for weeks, but today I'll finally admit it.

Sibelius, Ultra Bra and salmiakki aren't helping. I think it's the general atmosphere of Finland that I miss most. After growing up feeling that I don't constantly have to try and make contact with people (like on a bus or in a store), American friendliness is getting way too overwhelming for me. Everyone everywhere is always asking the question that I've grown to hate: "How are you?". It doesn't matter if it's only been two hours since you last saw each other, they may already want to repeat the question. And I hate repeating the same "Fine, how are you" every single time. Every question always seems to begin with a "how" and it's very frustrating because there's never an easy way to answer those questions unless you're satisfied with repeating "fine" and "good" and having the conversation end there (you try and answer "How's it different here from where you come from?" with a few words).

I don't like small talk. If I have to make conversation, I'd rather forget all the meaningless how-are-yous and what-are-your-classes-like and the ever so annoying comments about the weather, and start talking about things that are really on my mind. I just feel like here you have to be a really really close friend with somebody before you can finally get over the small talk stage. And I just don't have the energy or motivation to try to get to that point. I'd much rather jump straight to the personal things and comfortable silences. I hate the feeling that I have to fill the silence all the time. I miss the few friends I have back home because there's no such pressure with them.

If it weren't for K (the only person here I can really talk to) and to a lesser extent Y, I might be tempted to just stop all attempts to have a social life for the next four months. I don't exactly feel lonely, since I've always enjoyed being by myself. My feelings consist more of stress and guilt caused by the thought that people expect me to make new friends here and I'm not. Why can't it be okay to just have a few close friends? I'm personally more than happy that I've managed to get one really good friend here.

As you can see, my time here hasn't made me any more social. If anything, I've gained more appreciation for the friends I do have. I've also found a new motivation for learning. For the first time in my life I'm actually willingly spending extra time on studying and I suddenly have all these new goals that I want to reach. I even found my long-lost inspiration for writing (original stories, not really fan fiction). I don't really have time to start any writing projects while I'm here but I've started writing down plot bunnies for when I do have time. My dream of writing a book of my own is alive again.